Ernest is troubling me. More of the words are coming back and they raise questions. Particularly this verse.
The lights were dim
I was singing to Morrissey
I must have looked quite grim
‘Cos she said to me
“You’ve made a ghost of yourself
Just you and no-one else”
I remember the first song I ever wrote
It was loosely based on a sad note
“Made a ghost of myself”? Ruth. Ruth said that. I remember her face in the dark red light of my room.
My first song was loosely based on what sad note? An E minor? No, another type of note. Another sad note.
And then the song comes back to me. Words like a wave crash into my life once again. And for a moment I’m lost. So lost.
Up in casualty
To the faces
Of my family
And I am
And I know what ‘the sad note’ was.
Now I remember the song I know.
And my blood runs cold.
A phrase that’s used a lot. But I know what it’s like when it really happens. A cold creeping dread.
My. Blood. Ran. Cold.
Suddenly it all comes together. It all makes sense.
Why nobody is telling me what happened. This explains the vagueness. My parents’ irritation at the continued questioning.
My mouth falls open.
A jagged gasp.
I run my hands through my hair … thinking … thinking …
You know the twist in the movie where suddenly it all adds up? Our hero is left mouth agape as he processes all this new information.
I am processing. It all comes at me so fast. I remember that trip to Crawley. I remember it now. The Whiskey. The pills.
I did something terrible.
I tried something terrible a few years ago.
And now here I am in hospital again and I don’t know why.
But yes I do.
It’s so obvious.
I reach for the phone and I start to dial.
I need to talk to my mum, to ask her something.
But I know.
I already know.
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